We all love a one liner, we all have that one friend that tells them constantly, We gathered our favorites to share with you, if you can think of more let us know in the comments
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once till now.
Does your horse smoke?
[No.]
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
-Man overboard!
“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
-The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.
What is Jesus’ favorite food?
-Cheeses.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
Say what you want about deaf people…
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.
What is written on a dentist’s grave?
-He’s filling his last cavity.
Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.
What is sticky and brown?
-A stick!
A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
-He had it on airplane mode.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
-“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
– I don’t know, but I wouldn’t enjoy milking it.
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!
What is pointless?
-To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate. Period!
What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap?
A bulldozer!
Why do bees hum?
They don’t remember the text!
What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
Answer: Nothing.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
A smoothie maker.
Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
-Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
What swims and starts with a T?
-Two ducks
I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
Google request:
How to disable auto-correct in wife?
We leave you with the king of one liners Mr Rodney Dangerfield
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2gw-asbBIM
Does Pineapple Belong on Pizza?